DANCIN' FOOL

"Ah we can dance if we want to, we can leave your friends behindCause your friends don’t dance and if they don’t danceWell they’re are no friends of mineI say, we can go where we want to, a place where they will never findAnd we can act like we come from out of this worldLeave the real one far behind,And we can dance"

-"Safety Dance"-Men Without Hats

How fragile we are, yet stoic and stable we portray. Like a towering spectacle of concrete, glass and steel that hovers over a city of this world; yet one fissure, one miniscule fault can rear it's destined purpose and topple it all.

I have been taking advantage of this wonderful world of ballroom dancing. Yes, it's beginning to catch on like wildfire, but my involvement with it didn't begin with it's popularity at all. Over the past several months I have been taking lessons (Waltz, Tango, Cha-Cha, Fox Trot, Swing, Rumba, Mambo). Without a doubt, this pursuit has been the most challenging athletic venture in my life, as well as the most challenging social endeavor I have embarked upon.

Last Saturday night I went to my first "social dance". It is a great event where tons of people from all walks of life get together and practice what they have been learning in their respective worlds of dance. There are pro's, there are novices. There are singles, couples, older, younger, crazy, sane, and all other points to and fro.

People come to socialize. People come to meet new people because they are tired of the same old same old, boring social scene of their own world. People come for any number of reasons, the most common being that they just want to dance.

It is not unlike what I know a high-school dance to have been. Music, girls, the risky feeling of wondering if the girl you want to dance with will actually accept the invitation.

Now, I am a person that can literally stand in front of 10,000 people and not feel an ounce of fear. I love dealing with new, scary situations. Rejection really doesn't bother me because I feel it at some level every day of my life. I am used to it. But, for some reason, the Saturday night dance was the most panic-striking, horrifying social venture that I have experienced. New environment with none of the people from my private life. A novice dancer who has never tried any of my lessons in a public setting. The risk of rejection. No matter what all of the particulars, to dance in this setting one must have a partner. That means asking. That means the risk of rejection.

FAST FORWARD: I made it through the dance without losing my mind, and actually had a good time and felt wonderful. It was like I took the first step up a mountain to realize that it actually is possible to do reach the precipice; even if it takes one step at a time.

"Dance World," has opened up a door for me that I have been seeking the key to for years. New people with common interests. Active people who like to take risks. Fun people who's social lives are not always centered around drugs and booze. I have even made a recent comment to a friend of mine that "Dance World is my new Church." I have a teacher, go to great classes, meet new people every week with a curiosity that is fresher than the air in a Montana sky.

I went to my dance lessons during the week with new confidence and happiness. My Tuesday class was so cool and fun. My teacher, Krisa and I worked on Cha-Cha, and by the middle of my class, I was leading spinning and just having the time of my life.

I was even anticipating and looking forward to this Saturday's "social dance." I could not wait for Saturday night. Knowing nothing could stop my confidence, and just the idea that I was having more fun with dancing, and being a little less hard on myself for not being the best, I could not wait to be in that environment.

Last night, I decided that I would look nice. So I cleaned up and put on decent clothes pliable to the dance environment. I like looking nice and wearing decent, good clothes. Sometimes that is Diesel jeans and a rock band t-shirt. This night it was some dress pants and shirt. The fashion police definitely are not writing tickets for people who dress like shit, but I do this for myself. Therefore after donning my friends Perry Ellis, Kenneth Cole and Bachrach I hopped into the vehicle and headed to the Saturday night dance. Good mood, positive attitude, happiness. Absolutely no expectations of who I would meet or what would happen. I just was heading for a good time.

Upon arriving at Dance World and paying my money at the door, the next order of business is a short, 1-hour class they give to help people get some pointers and tips on one of the major dances that will be focused on at the night's dance. That night, Tango. The variety of newcomers and regulars would be brushing up on a dance that is very poignant and specific in it's presentation.

Although, I have been learning Tango for a couple of months, I don't get to practice much. Because of this I chose the "beginner" class, instead of "intermediate". The classes happen on the floor of the main ballroom (much like a roller rink floor), with the two groups splitting sides. Within seconds, I noticed that many of the people that are at the same level I am were in the "intermediate" class. But I really couldn't change at that point. Within several moments after that, I began having trouble concentrating and started to feel out of sorts.

When our teacher (an absolutely wonderful lady named Connie) began having us take partners, things really began falling apart for me. Dancing is a two person sport. There are two sides of the coin, and synchronicity, fluidity and compatibility is huge. But, no two people are alike. I am definitely not Jerry Rice or Drew Lachey; please don't hear me say this. I am new, young to dancing and by no means have any part of this mastered. But, the dance partners I got hooked with were not where I was at. Therefore, it slowed me down a bit and cut the quality and concentration of what I could do. That's not an excuse, it's just a fact.

Class continued, and I tried to glue my mind together by realizing that I needed to just focus and relax. Things went o.k., until the bomb dropped. There was a girl in our "beginner" class that I had recognized the week before, and I knew she had done the Tango before. I actually wanted to partner with her because I felt it would go smoother. So we did. And, when we hit the last pivot from Promenade, she stopped me and pointed out that my pivot was wrong. I listened, trying to figure out what I was doing. We did it again, same thing. I really didn't know what I was doing wrong. So I asked the teacher. I wasn't doing anything wrong. Nonetheless, when someone points that shit out, all hell breaks loose in my mind and the demons begin feasting on my confidence. Class was over.

Two minutes later, the dance began. Fun, great music, people. I grabbed a lady I knew from group classes and began the Tango. Within two minutes I was lost, confused and panicked. I left the dance floor ready to go home. Connie, the teacher, caught me and wouldn't let me leave. She worked with me on my Tango for a few seconds and helped restore a bit of confidence, but the damage had been done. Not by anyone else. But by me.

I got no natural rhythm
But I go dancin’ every night
Hopin’ one day I might get it right
I’m a dancin’ fool, I’m aDancin’ fool
I hear that beat; I jump outa my seat,But I can’t compete,
’cause I’m aDancin’ fool, I’m aDancin’ fool
The disco folks all dressed upLike they’s fit to killI
walk on in ’n’ see ’em there
Gonna give them all a thrill
When they see me comin’They all steps aside
They has a fit while I commitMy social suicide,
I’m aDancin’ fool, I’m aDancin’ fool
The beat goes on
And I’m so wrong
The beat goes on
And I’m so wrong
excerpt from "Dancin' Fool" -Frank Zappa

The next 15-20 minutes of my life was spent in a living hell. The floor filled with beautiful people waltzing, rumba-ing and all other cool dances. On this night, it seemed that everyone was paired up but me, and that everyone was better than me. I had no one to dance with. My regular teacher wasn't there. Some other folks that I knew I could dance with weren't there, and I just didn't have the guns to face asking someone to dance, just to be told "no,"or to find out that I really suck and they don't want to dance with me anyway. I felt like curling up in a ball and hiding in a corner. But I didn't. I got in my car and left.

Minutes later, I spun toward the interstate and stopped. Screaming in my mind, "I'm not going to runaway like that!" I went back fully intent that I would not let my own mind and ego sabotage me with lies that aren't true; with visions that aren't real. I got back onto the floor, freaked out and left again.

When there's lightning - it always brings me down
Cause it's free and I see that it's me
Who's lost and never found
Feel the magic -feel it dancing in the air
But it's fear - and you'll hear
It calling you beware
There's no sign of the morning coming
There's no sight of the day
You've been left on your own
Like a Rainbow in the Dark
-excerpt from Dio's "Rainbow in the Dark"

Confidence shattered by lies. Fun and intent blown by the wiring and condition of my mind. The fear of rejection slicing my wrists and bleeding me dry. The fear of rejection stealing and robbing me of the sunlight that warms my soul.

How we set ourselves up to fall. How I can let so much unreality that is happening in my own mind, not "theirs" destroy all that is good. This is sin. This is the "devil." We are told the "devil did it." Well, I'm sorry but he didn't. We don't need a devil when we're really good at destroying ourselves.

Am I a horrible dancer? "No." Do people think I suck? "No." honestly, they probably don't give a rat's ass one bit about me, nor care or think that much. What do I have to fear? The own craziness in my head.

So, what's the result, what's the answer? I don't know. I do know this though. I'm going back today. I am going to the Sunday Dance this afternoon and I am going to face it.