Lucero, women and 40.......

Sunday within the middle-Tennessee hills has brought a much welcome break from the heat as our temperatures dip into the lower 80's, providing a wonderful stage for the Cicadas' nightly mid-summer concert.

For quite a while now, my family and friends in Memphis have had the special feeling of a hometown band that began and broke out of that home town. I have been hearing about Lucero, and every time they play in my area, I have not been able to see them. Until last night. Lucero played the opening slot for the Shack-Shakers and Rev. Horton Heat at the Cannery in Nashville. The band is an incredible stew of delta angst and southern rock aggression. I won't compare them to someone, or try to tell anyone that they are like "the Allman Bros. meeting Widespread Panic." But I was quickly drawn back in my mind to the very peaceful and happy place in my soul that was created by seeing a very cool, new band in my college years. There were 21-23 year olds packed into the venue where I saw college favorites during my time like Will & The Bushmen, Government Cheese and Chagall Guevera, singing the songs of Lucero. These kids own a piece of Lucero in their hearts that they will carry throughout their lives.

Earlier in the week I managed to make plans to see Lucero, no matter what. And, no matter what happened. I ended up going to the show by myself (another soul-digging reminder of my cloistered life over the past 20 years and the price I am paying for it socially. And just simply that the people my age that I know and love, have other things they want to do and people they would rather spend time with.) Nonetheless, I don't mind being in public alone, and I enjoyed the show.

What didn't set well with me again, is the fact that although I am surrounded by beautiful people from all walks of life, I am a million miles away from these people. All the technology in the world that has seemed to make communities smaller and more in touch, has actually in some ways made things more cloistered and apart. I can talk all I want about "sackin' up," or "steppin' up" and just start talkin' to women who look good, but it just doesn't work like that. There is no meeting a girl at a rock concert. There is only a continual, improvised film that plays in my head when I see a girl at such an event. The film who's story line goes something like this:

"She's hot. Although I have no idea who she is or what her situation is, that tattoo on her shoulder spikes me up like a punk at a Ramones show. I need to go out with her, sleep with her and have a relationship with her and live happily ever after."

Well, at least the story goes something like that. Just another example of how I delude myself into a storyline life instead of just being present and experiencing the joy and contentment of where I am at. And, put alochol in the mix and it just gets worse.

People go out into public with friends. And although I have no scientific data, I will make a gambling guess and say that I believe that the majority of social groups we see socially active in Nashville, TN aren't necessarily putting "getting laid" or "Hooking up" or "going home with someone" as the reason they are out.

People are getting together by people within their social circles helping to bring them together with others. If a person is not in a social circle conducive to that, a single person in this world is going to be stuck and a little disenfranchised. In other words, people are hooking up from their friends hooking them up. And if a person doesn't have friends who know people, that person is pretty much out of luck.

The older one gets, the more challenging this becomes. One of my best friends turns 40 tomorrow. Kevin is the first of several of us that are about to hit this mark over the next several months. I hit it in November. It is a simple fact that there are fewer single, socially active, entertainment and athletically oriented people out there who may be looking for a relationship. And, living smack in the middle of the Bible belt doesn't help. Church simply doesn't have any hope of providing the miracle cure for the social contraction it has helped create. The church has, with good intentions, created social classes over the past two decades that are counterproductive for building long term relationships with certain demographics. Yes, there are great "Youth Programs," and "College & Career Classes." There are even, "Young Professional" classes and "Adult Ministries". But if you are in your early to mid-30's and single, it is called, "DIVORCE RECOVERY." Boy, sign me up for that! I'd rather go to AA (of which, is looking pretty attractive at this point.)

For a person like me to want to involve themselves with the activities of church, it is a no mans land of awkard participation with a married couples who really don't want the bothersome load in their Sunday School class of a disenfranchised 30 something who could really give a rat's ass about prayer circles and couples retreats.

So, what do I do. Typically, I continue to delude myself with non-reality. But in moments of clarity I do occasionally have, I live my life as it is, and as it is progressing. I go to the store, I go to work, I love my child, I go to the rock concerts alone, and I embrace my friends and hope to God I never lose them.

I can't help but to think that one of my major problems with meeting people is one of the most obvious things in the world: Those "people" don't have a clue who I am, and I don't have a clue who they are." This therefore suggests that I need to put myself in places and situations to meet these "people." And therein lies the rub. What are those and where are those situations? Has it all just passed me by? Am I just a damn idiot that deserves to be alone and squared off from most of the active society? Is my life just so screwed up that it is obvious to everyone, and I am lucky just to be breathing? Have I had my run, and I just need to accept that it's over for me.

I have been told, "You gave up" "It's your own fault," because for instance, I don't go to Church and sign up for all the classes and organizations. I've been told, "I don't get out enough." As I grow up now, I realize that the boy who loved to be friends of all during my school years and beyond, the person who loved to be involved with people all the time and always had people around him, is becoming increasingly an inhabitant of a world where there is not much hope of meeting new people. This is a dark and miserable place in a heart that is peaceful and secure, and feeds and grows off of being around people.

I don't want to hang in the bars. I don't want materialism. I don't care how much money you make. It makes no difference to me if you sweep floors for the school district or sell nuclear material to space aliens. I don't need to get laid bad enough to the point where I'm willing to compromise integrity just to sleep with anyone that can crawl into my car after 8 beers. I'm not lonely enough just to dive into a relationship with any one close to my age that just "might happen to be single and looking."

I really don't want to be around people who are more concerned about the agenda of their beliefs than actually pursuing God in every day life.

But, maybe those things are actually all that there is out there, and perhaps it is MY FAULT.

Perhaps there are no kindred spirits. Perhaps there is no such thing as compatibility. Perhaps there is no one that would really like hanging out with a person like me. Someone who likes pursuing spiritual matters, a person who wants an advocate in their world that will be behind their dreams no matter the case. Perhaps I have blown my opportunities and should just buck up and realize that I'm done in that area of this life. Although this seems a little hard, it actually may be real and truthful.

So the ultimate question is: "You miserable depressing shit, WHAT DO YOU WANT?" You know, my life is better than most. And I really ultimately can't complain about anything, although I do. Throughout it all, I would really like to have someone in my life who I could share this crazy trip. Someone who I can adore and be an advocate for, and someone who actually likes being around me. Someone who actually enjoys life and wants to take care of themselves and pursue dreams.

I am ready for the fall. I am ready for the gray skies and soul-cooling winds of October. I'm ready for the concert tours to announce their fall legs and for the fall sports seasons to kick in. I'm tired, and I am exhausted from looking for love on aisle # 9 or next to the beer tap at the bar. I'm tired of looking for a relationship with a person that doesn't exist that my mind has concocted from a visual sighting of a girl 20 rows away at the rock concert, or the checkout girl who sold me a shirt at Express.

I'm tired of judging women at first sight by the wreckless filth that occupies my mind.

If you have ever had the pleasure of a good relationship, even for a brief moment in time, you know what a powerful force it is. And somedays, I wish that I could erase those good relationships from my past, because they haunt me with their ghosts in today's reality.

I wish everyone health and peace this week. Enjoy and embrace your friends and families.